You’re Not Fit To Referee

It’s been sung at probably every ground in the country, possibly in the world (although in a variety of languages). It’s been aimed a hundreds, nay, thousands of officials. Yet is Mike Riley possibly the most appropriate target in history?

Now, this has been coming for a while. I am in now way, shape or form a Chelsea or Liverpool fan but his performance on Sunday at Anfield highlighted not only everything that is bad about refereeing in general but also particularly what is wrong with this absolute arsehole.

As a Middlesbrough fan, from my perspective, Riley only ever had one decent game. Cardiff 2004. The Carling Cup Final when he handled Bolton’s newly-discovered ‘coming back from an offside position at a free-kick’ tactic extremely well, gave us what in hindsight was a rather generous if possibly correct penalty, allowed Bolo Zenden to strike the ball twice as he took it – not deliberately as he slipped but nevertheless still a double-touch – and finally missed a superb block in the dying seconds by Ugo Ehiogu’s left arm. I’ve seen him officiate a few Boro matches since then and he’s been absolutely diabolical on each occasion.

His latest outing resulted in a flurry of yellow cards and another red. How he managed not to book Steven Gerrard for a dangerous and over-the-top lunge yet gave Lampard a straight red for apparently a similar if not almost identical challenge is beyond me. Niggling fouls receive a yellow yet one that could put a player out for months earns a ticking off. And, at all times, he struts around the pitch with that ingratiating smirk on his face that only adds to the general desire to wipe it off with a good hard right hook.

During added time, Yossi Benayoun was kicked in the small of the back within 5 yards of the linesman (watch the above animation) and in clear view of the referee yet his attacker didn’t even get spoken to. It is almost a given that the biased bunch of wankers that are the Premier League will do nothing to Jose Bosingwa. No, you have to tap a player on the cheek to earn an additional one match ban on top of your original three (Aliadiere last season, bizarrely enough at Anfield).

If Riley misses things like that, he’s liable to miss anything.

The Premier league referee statistics do not lie. Mike Riley is top. More average cards per game than any other referee and considering this a league with such wholesome, talented characters as Rob Styles, Steve Bennett and Alan Wiley involved, that is saying something. This guy causes more controversy than someone booking Tom Jones and Russell Brand as headline acts at a Gay Pride rally.

Keith Hackett has a cushy job. As someone who in his day was almost as incompetent at refereeing as the majority of his charges appear to be today, he is very much in the right role. But for him and the Premier League to retain any form of respectability (although many would say it’s already way too late for that), arrogant incompetent pricks like Mike Riley need to be relegated to Sunday League football where they can flourish as many cards as they like without earning a penny and receiving in return the type of treatment that many fans, managers and players would love to deal out in response to the multitude of errors that permeate his officiating.

I watched the North East derby on the same day. While Howard Webb got the first penalty decision spot on and rightly booked Damien Duff for diving, the second one was horribly wrong. Steven Taylor barged into his challenger and then fell over like the sack of spuds he is. It was never a penalty in a million years. But it goes to prove that even those considered at the better end of the refereeing scale can get it wrong.

It’s just that not too many get it wrong as many times as Mike Riley.